Settling League One: Six Creative Suggestions

With null and void seemingly not an option, it’s time to think outside the box. At least half a dozen proposals for deciding the outcome of the League One season are said to be on the table, but here are half a dozen more for clubs to seriously consider before the all-important vote.

Royal Rumble

One potential obstacle to resuming the season is the amount of testing needed. This solution would only require 23 tests and still allow for a full-contact contest. The rules are simple: each team nominates its strongest player and they battle it out in the (neutral) ring until the last three men are standing. I’d say they then arm wrestle to determine who’s crowned champions, but I have a funny feeling we’ve got that in the bag.

Scenic Shots

Championship = more televised games. No fans allowed = even more televised games. And what would people rather were the backdrop to their football viewing as they remain confined to four walls in six months’ time because the the Great British Public can’t stop conga-ing in the streets: endless stand or some genuine outstanding natural beauty? Hello Adams Park 😍 As for the remaining two spots, well, the Kassam Stadium’s panaromic views of Hollywood *checks notes* Bowl aren’t going to cut it, I’m afraid. The Wham Stadium is quite idylically situated, so that’s one – and, er, Spotland has a few trees outside. Little old Wycombe, Accrington and Rochdale on their way to the second tier? Welcome to the new normal.

Accrington’s Wham Stadium: aka the Adams Park of the North

Isolated Venues

Sorry, Headington, you might be miles outside town, but we can’t risk the coronavirus getting in over that fence of yours. Shrewsbury are the front-runners here, but what’s that coming over the hill? Well, for the forseeable future, no one – but in ordinary circumstances,a hardy few decked out in light and dark blue who’ve trekked through the woods from West Wycombe. Doncaster and Burton can sort out third place among themselves with a game of rock, paper, scissors.

Long Ball Index

This is a real thing, by the way. Well, I devised it to debunk the myth that Wycombe are the ultimate hoof-ball merchants, but in unbelievable scenes it promotes Gillingham, AFC Wimbledon – just 18 years after their formation, fairytale stuff – and Southend, would you believe? The statue of Big Sam is already under construction at Roots Hall. If only Gareth Ainsworth wasn’t so obsessed with tiki-taka, eh.

An Act of Kindness

The pandemic should have made us all think of those less fortunate than ourselves. So how about we put our newfound benevolence to good use and rescue some stray giants from their desperate plight? Most of their kind have a nice, cosy division to call their home, but a few have fallen on tough times and wound up on the terrifying, tinpot-littered streets of the third tier. The North East, East Anglia and the South Coast have been particularly hard hit; let’s get them back on their feet so they never have to rub shoulders with the great unwashed again (until the next time).

Charles Goal v Sunderland (H) 2019-20
No one wants to see pictures like this

Rock ‘n’ Roll Gaffers

I’m not sure why I’ve pluralised that. Did your manager’s band – in which they’re the lead singer – release a single at Christmas? Has your manager hosted a quiz dressed as Gene Simmons complete with full make-up and all? Does your manager tread the touchline in snakeskin boots and a leather jacket? I didn’t think so. (Second place: unfortunately, Joey Barton has quite good music taste, so Fleetwood. Third: not a scooby).

Main photo: DipsyDave via Wikimedia Commons. Used under license.
Crown ground photo: Steve Daniels via Geograph. Used under license.

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